Readiness. Am I ready?
I have learned the “illusion of ready,” and that it is a close friend to “figuring it out.” It lives in the land of PERFECT-ness and none of us measure up there.
I have never been ready. There is always more to do. There are always more ideas. More to fix. More to create. More to up-level and update.
Always more.
Always more.
My ego wants me to stay stuck.
My controlling nature wants me to not do anything at all if I can’t do it the BEST. All of that leaves me lonely, empty, and pissed off.
I choose action. I choose movement and adventure. I choose to see what happens and learn by doing. It has been a key piece of my business success, or what you would call success. It has helped me write 7 self-published books that were ready enough. It helped me launch the National Association of Christian Women Entrepreneurs in 2010 after knowing enough. I learned as I created.
I choose to keep moving forward. I wasn’t ready when I hosted my first Heart Art Retreat in 2015. And now we are on the 5th or 6th one, and I am sure I won’t be fully ready for that one either.
The certain thing in my life is that God is never late. He shocked me with His timing, and then I remember that He is The Boss of me. LOL!
When I hit my Rock Bottom, I was ready, but I did not anticipate it. I was in a tangled web sliding that way but would have told you that I could “figure it out.” That I knew better. That I would cut down.
Those final weeks were 6 years ago this month. I was in my final stretch of a 14-year daily drinking career. The last day was June 18th, 2013. I went out with a bang that week. Two different episodes, but the finale was me drinking an entire liter of tequila by myself. Granted, it took me 4-5 hours to do this, and I mixed it with margarita drink mix, but still. That is an amount that could have taken me to my death.
Was I willing? Was I ready that next day?
I was humiliated and horrified and hungover. I wanted to HIDE in my shame and disgust, but worst of all, I was with my family on a vacation. No hiding. It was a time for truth facing, admitting, and asking.
I had to look at my own demons in those days and weeks to come. I had to turn and face the mirror and look into my own eyes and assess the situation. I finally got to my first AA meeting on July 5th. I made it with the white-knuckle method from June 19th to July 5th. That is a miracle. And then I walked through the doors that I thought were going to be the end of my fun and joy and laughter…. and I found just the opposite.
I found color and freedom and life.
I found my tribe of misfits that by day were moms, lawyers, doctors, and business owners. I found my sisters and brothers on the road to healing and recovery. I found a room full of truth.
It is hard to describe those first few weeks and months. I can easily look back now with a glorious perspective of what it was like. But at the time, I just hung on each day and did what they told me. I went to a meeting every day, sometimes two… (Saturday is a long long day when you are in early recovery). I made it. I found myself willing to be “ready,” and I showed up.
Was I ready to admit booze had won? Yes, at that time, I finally was. I don’t want to forget my last time being drunk. It reminds me of how dark it was. And the word “tequila” can bring up a nauseous feeling in me just hearing it.
Ready? Yes, I was ready. In spite of the lies my mind told me. In spite of my excuses.
In the midst of my life and running NACWE and coaching women and being “so very busy,” I got sober. And today, I am sober. So, my day of freedom is coming around the bend again here. 6 years will be on June 19th. What a miracle it is.
I am so grateful for this very day…. the only day that I have.
Today, I choose to be ready and let God show me the way.