20 years ago today, my life took a turn. A counseling client of mine took his own life. Suicide. It catapulted me into a journey I never expected. It was June 2, 1999. I was 26 years old. I had gotten my Masters Degree in 1997. I was so very young… now that I can look back on myself. I was so very young, so fresh into my field, so eager and willing to learn.
As I begin to write, thinking about all of this stops me in my memories. I get caught up in the flood of feelings and swept away. 2 decades ago, and I can still “feel” that day. The day I got the call about Tom being missing, his wife asking me if I had heard from him. Then, later in the day, getting the call that his body and car had been found.
My life shifted at that moment. I didn’t know how big the shift was. I thought it was a crevasse, but now looking back, I can see it was my own “Grand Canyon.”
(There are so many pieces to this story that are not mine to tell, so I will keep my integrity and try not to tell them out of respect.)
- I could tell you about going to his house that night at the request of his wife as she told the children (along with their priest).
- I could share with you about the funeral.
- I could write about the day I got served with the lawsuit that next summer, in 2000.
- I could tell you what it feels like to be deposed from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. I could tell you that I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I started crying by about 9:15 from the stress and the trauma of it all.
- I could talk about the legal battle that I walked through from 2000 to 2003.
- I might share with you that alcohol and food were my friends every night and that in the midst of all of this trauma, I got married to my first husband in 2001.
- I could fast-forward the story to after we settled the lawsuit. I thought I could finally breathe, but a few weeks later, I found out that she had gone after my counseling license and I was being investigated that way. New battle to wage. Civil, then state.
- I could pontificate about the why and who and what happened (and of course, I have).
- I could countersue, like many of you suggested I do (NOTE: I didn’t).
- I could explain how for a decade or more, I felt guilty and responsible to pay the price for this man’s death, and as a result of the consequences, I could not get a job in my own profession, thus becoming an underearner. (Underearners Anonymous)
There are so many stories I could tell, and I have walked through 20 years of finding my new path. I have sent an amends letter. I have prayed, yelled, and done years of healing work in therapy and workshops and women’s retreats.
His 2 children are 20 years older now, too. I pray that they are happy and free. We have suicide in my family, too. My uncle took his own life and his uncle did also.
I too have wandered through the path of thinking of taking my own life… 2 very distinct times in my life. One at 17 years old, and the other in the aftermath of this lawsuit in 2004 when I was married and living in Texas.
And yet, instead…
Today, I am a free woman. I no longer pay the price for this. I no longer choose to prove my value to the world or allow underearning to define me.
Today, I am free and have 22 years of experience, first as a counselor and then in the coaching arena. A year ago, I thought I might want to go back to being a counselor. I researched, prayed, pondered, asked. In fact, it took me years to be willing and able to even ponder the thought. PTSD is a real thing. I finally chose a school, got accepted, and then enrolled in 3 classes. I found out that my Masters was too old and in a different state, so I would need to get an entirely new Masters here in Texas. I found out that I would need to do a 2-year internship. (Of course, all of this is valuable, and I had done all of this in my prior life, too.) I kept moving forward. I was willing but also listening to my Father.
As I sat in my Addictions Counseling class each week, I began to realize something. As I did the papers and tests, I understood. As I read about recovery and 12-steps programs, I loved the learning, but I also could have taught the class very well myself.
$800 life lesson. I finished that class and did great. But the most important thing was that for my $800 investment, I found out that I was right where I need to be. I do not need to go back to the counseling world. I do not need to be validated by a profession or group or diploma. I am choosing coaching. I am choosing speaking and writing and art. The freedom is bigger here for me, and I can coach, teach, mentor, all of it.
Today, I am grateful for a 20-year process of letting go and learning.
Today, I am grateful that I chose to live.
Today, I am aware of the things that only time can heal.
I am free and I am forgiven. RIP Tom… rest in peace.