I used to get so much accomplished.
I used to barely have time to breath or think or answer the phone.
I now have time. My mind feels rather mushy. It is unfolding from being tangled up for so long in a to-do list and a schedule and being productive and hustling. I wonder is the MUSH will stay with me and I worry that I will never serve the world in a productive manner again… but I must admit, I am loving this time.
I can breathe.
I can see.
I can wander.
I am not running behind every single minute anymore.
I am not chasing my tail or racing to catch myself.
I am letting myself sort, and settle, ponder and percolate.
It is good for me.
Stained Glass. Colored shards of light. A mosaic of random patterns. It speaks to me.
I got engaged on December 3rd. We found our wedding venue on January 3rd. You can see here the photo I took in the sanctuary/ceremony room. The colors called to me from the website pages long before I walked in the door. It feels like me. It feels like us.
Full of variety. Complicated. Magnificent. Deep.
According to Wikipedia, (which is as reliable as Facebook)….Stained glass, as an art and a craft, requires the artistic skill to conceive an appropriate and workable design, and the engineering skills to assemble the piece. A window must fit snugly into the space for which it is made, must resist wind and rain, and also, especially in the larger windows, must support its own weight.
I believe LOVE is an art and a craft. It requires artistic skill to conceive an appropriate and workable design, and the engineering skills to assemble the piece. Love requires work, devotion, attention to detail. The definition also mentions that the window must fit snugly into the place that it is made, must resist wind and rain and support its own weight.
Thus is love and marriage. The rain will come along with the wind. The wedding is not the marriage.
A life in patterns that seem not to fit together….but when seen as a whole, create a masterpiece. Us. We. Me and he.
Getting married. The joining of two lives. Both who have wandered many roads.
I am grateful and yet wise in my knowledge. I know what marriage is now. I have been down the road before and so has he. We know. We know. And we know that it is not about the venue or the presents. It is about the one day at a time art and craft of living together. And the breathing space that is needed to expand and contract as we evolve.
It is about all of the this.
The colors of life.
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.
What does that mean? Willingness? What does it look like?
It feels like open hands. No clenching. Not grasping. Not chasing.
I want to pray for my heart to be open. For my soul to be surrendered. For my mind to be moldable. For my house to be a haven.
I don’t want to live in control and fear and chaos of the unknown. That is what used to lead me right towards a bottle. Now the feelings still come, but it leads me into different places. I can seek solace in a meeting, or a burger or a writing time. I seek solace in other ways that help me to feel and not numb.
I pray for willingness to have courage.
To be a leader.
To be a trailblazer.
To ask for help.
To sit in my pain and feel it.
To not have the answer.
To wait for God to show me.
To not rush around fixing.
To hold a safe place.
To be uncomfortable and not jump out of my skin.
To repeat all of this hourly if I need to.
I tend to want to race and rush. I have a need to tweak and meddle. I have a long legacy of fixing and forcing.
I can rally the troops….but I have to ask myself if I really want to rally them and if I do, can I serve them and not lose my soul along the way.
In the willingness I find my why. I find my answers to questions that I didn’t know I had in me until the answer rises to the surface.
In my willingness I find me, the me without the glossy on top and the sprinkles to make me more enticing to you from the glass case.
I find my heart when I am willing to hear and seek and sit still long along to wait for her to not be afraid anymore.
I find me in the willing walls. I find me. I find me. I find me…