Admitting the Truth


Admitting it.

The truth is wide open spaces.  With no closet to hide in. It is miraculous since I can see the clouds and the mountain range in the distance and the valley that I just trudged through.

True. What is true. I am in a program of “rigourous honesty”.  This means that I tell truth. But I have come to understand that we can lie to ourselves and yet believe we are true.  We can believe our own version of what happened and we can adapt our mind and life to fit that version.  My world view. My mindset. My journey.  It is my testimony but it is only how I perceived it to be.  I might see it differently now as I look back on it.

The truth scares me.  I have a lot of truth that I need to walk through soon.  It makes me feel very vulnerable. It makes me want to call for a white horse rescue. It makes me feel naked. The truth.

Will it set me free or break me into bits?

Will I live through it?

Will I find my way?

Will everyone turn against me?

Will the very thing that I am getting honest about, turn and hunt me down?

What will happen?

The truth is only right here.  I have to make sure I don’t get knee deep in the swamp of the future.  The murky muddy gator filled waters of tomorrow where all of the bad things find me and I am screaming and no one comes. In today, I am right here.  I am OK. I have food and water and a home and a business and love.  I am not a swamp dwelling, living in the shadows of shame. I am ok here in my truth, in today.  My truth evolves as I know me more, as I allow myself the permission to say that I am tired, or sad, or mad or that my pants are too tight from too much eating this weekend. That is the truth.

My pants are too tight.  True story.  I am in the middle of my Monday and doing my Monday stuff and yet worried about big changes I am making.  That is true today.  I am basking in the glow from great memories from the weekend. That is true. I am here, in my tight pants eating carrots in between typing these words.

I have papers in every direction with tasks that I need to complete.  The truth is that I don’t want to. I want to keep writing. I want to go sit in a coffee shop and linger with strangers as we all type and talk and sip.

This is my true story today, right now.  This is me, unveiled.